


HIDDEN

by a_starlit_sky



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: No Character Death, Self Harm, Suicidal Ideation, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-18 23:03:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10626993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_starlit_sky/pseuds/a_starlit_sky
Summary: They say the best way to hide a problem is to hide it in plain sight. That way although people will realise it’s an issue, they never quite understand just how vast that seemingly little thing is.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hey there! Long time no see, and actually long time since I’ve wrote a thing… haha… I’m keep this short though ^-^ This is first time I’m writing for the Haikyuu fandom (& first time writing in the anime genre as well) so please forgive me for any errors! (spelling, grammar and plot) Short & sweet the prologue is- and don’t worry, more is to come soon! ;) 
> 
> DISCLAIMER!: Haikyuu’s characters and plot are not mind, nor do claim what I write is to be true but merely fiction.  
> WARNINGS!: Self harm, suicide ideation, suicide attempt, dark themes (no character deaths) 
> 
> If you are suicidal or considering self harm, than I advise not to read this. Instead, please contact a hotline for help, or call an ambulance. I know right now how you feel, believe me I know, but it does get better.

||HIDDEN|| 

They say the best way to hide a problem is to hide it in plain sight. That way although people will realise it’s an issue, they never quite understand just how vast that seemingly little thing is. They never quite grasp on to the idea that the pale white canyons that line frighteningly fragile skin aren’t just battle scars from tremors that wrecked havoc years ago, but are rather neon sign posts screaming out mercilessly about the murderer that lurks no more than inches away- hidden within burning mind, and a bleak and dark head.

They never quite gain a full estimate of the scale of destruction that the soul battles with.

And that was the theory one ginger haired boy thoroughly believed.


	2. Chapter 1: So Far

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Small note, but it will make the chapter titles have more sense: I’m using song titles from some my favourite and most relevant songs to structure this fanfiction! Anyway, enjoy xx
> 
> SONG: So far, Olafur Arnolds

||HIDDEN||  
Chapter 1: So Far

‘So far from who I used to be…’

Hinata! Don’t mind!” A voice echoed through Karasuno‘s gym, bouncing of the walls, and the worn wooden floors to what felt like the dusty railings above. “Next time for sure!” The voice of a certain silver haired boy spoke again- Sugawara Koushi- third year and member of Karasuno’s volleyball team. Sugawara offered a small apologetic smile before returning back into position as setter for the spiking warm ups. 

This appealingly simple mistake- missing a spike- shouldn’t have been something that caused Hinata Shouyou, first year on the volley ball team, to feel so devastated about: nobody is perfect after all. However, this was the third ball missed by him just within today’s warm ups. From the countless ones missed for weeks now. Hinata bowed his head to let his face become hidden so he could compose himself for a second- there was no point in showing his upset with the team; no need to burden other people, weighing them down by being selfish. A second was all what Hinata needed before raising his head back up with a fake apologetic smile plastered on his face.

“Sorry Sugawara-san…’ Hinata replied, rubbing sheepishly a hand behind his neck. ‘Next time!” He forced out with a grin and began to jog back to the end of the line where the other volleyball members waited- feet squeaking slobblishly against the wooden panels as he went, for his legs felt too much like lead to even move properly. 

It was times like this that life felt as though it was on repeat: wake up, school, volleyball practise, home, sleep. Again, and again it would replay- endlessly. And each day got harder to keep looking forward- to keep believing that maybe tomorrow would be different. At some point it had to be different, right? Hinata looked down at his hands- eyes trying to endlessly search for something. That ‘sign’ that would finally prove that every dark thought pumping through his veins was defeatable. He curled his fingers towards his palms trying to search for that something- yet his fingers were nothing but numb. 

“Hinata-kun!” Hinata was snapped from his thoughts as the teams’ libero Nishinoya Yuu called to him with smile, and a creased brow full of concern for the younger boy.  
The ginger haired reared his head upwards, letting his arms drop instantly to his sides again, and pulled a grin on to his face. ‘Hi Nishinoya-senpai!”

Regardless of the fears that Nishinoya feels about the younger boy, he couldn’t help but beam at that; he cracked a sideways grin.

He then beckoned Hinata over with a wave of his hand; an urge of dread rushed through the younger boy. He knew that the other boy could tell something was off with him, and to be frank about it, Hinata really didn’t feel like he had the mental strength today to be dealing with the worries that every now and then the volleyball team would ask him about. Hinata knew that this selfishness of failing to address these worries wasn’t exactly healthy; yet, how even could he begin to start tackling so many countless problems that swirled inside him like a twisted and taunted tornado. 

However, Hinata also knew that he couldn’t not face these worries that the people around him had. Hell, it wouldn’t be exactly hiding in plain sight if ran away and curled up in a dark corner somewhere. So the ginger haired boy jogged over to his addresser- and to ensure that his flawless act was kept, he put a skip into his stride and the brightest smile a depressed and suicidal teenager could muster.

He came to a stop in front of Nishinoya. A moment passed before either spoke. But who could blame the shorter boy when fear gripped his throat, like a lion whose jaws clamped shut around his neck- crushing his lungs from the lack of oxygen. How could you blame someone who feared for someone else’s life? 

Hinata-kun- how are you?” Nishinoya finally chimed out- swallowing back an ocean of questions that churned about, and yearned to spill from his tongue. 

Hinata’s eyes didn’t even blink. “I’m good, Nishinoya-senpai!” Keen to avert such personal questions, the boy continued. “I’ve been practising really hard with my spiking technique- I think I’m nearly solved my problem now!”

Nishinoya faltered slightly, he knew that Hinata would do this. “That great!”

“Ah… but I still can’t receive that well… I wish I could do that cool ‘woosh’ like you Nishinyo-senpai!” Hinata chatted on determined now. 

The shorter of the two boys laughed lightly. “Don’t worry Hinata-kun! I’ll teach how to be epic just like me!”

Both boys then grinned. It would been impossible to tell at this point which one of their expressions was false. That mask was too well worn to allow curious eyes to leer behind the foundations that were so finely bolted down in concrete graves. 

“Nah Hinata-kun! If you want to be epic then you need to learn do to so with me!” A third boy, shaven head and bent posture, joked. Tanaka Ryuunosuke, second year like Nishinyo, had jumped in to join the conversation. Just what Hinata didn’t need. 

Nishinyo huffed in response, grinning just as wide as his friend. “Your spiking might be cool Tanaka-kun, but my receiving is the coolest!” he joked back.

They bickered playfully then, laughing and joking about which court position was better. Yet though tried his best to keep up with their playful talk, Hinata just drowned out what they said. His concentration had wavered leaving him to plunge in to the icy depths of his soul- sinking further and further down in the murky sludge below him, choking on oxygen like it was poison. His chest seemed to tighten; ribs burning his insides and scorching his heart to ashes. It was painful to watch the two friends speak so easily to each other; without the weight of stones in their hearts. 

It was painful to watch the freedom that Hinata yearned so desperately for. 

“Hinata…?” 

Shit. He knew he shouldn’t have zoned out. 

“Um… erm… yES!” the boy stuttered out.

Both Nishinyo and Tanaka faces had fell. Eyes searching, throats burning. 

Hinata’s mind began spinning. His concentration was scattered like an avalanche of autumn leaves racing restlessly around each other. He struggled to find his words; letting his bitten finger nails press hard against his palm in almost shaking fists. 

Say something. Say anything. Don’t just stand there. Hinata felt like choking himself just to rid of the silence that echoed in the room. 

“NISHINYO, TANAKA.” A voice boomed. Hinata had never felt more relived in his life to hear the voice of Coach Ukai sound throughout the gym. The two boys almost jumped out of their skin, turning on a pivot to meet Coach Ukai dressed in his usual red jacket and track suit, with blonde hair pulled back by a hair band, and face silently fuming in a cold glaze. Even the team captain Daichi Sawamura gulped and paused from practising with the team’s ace Asahi Azumane and second setter Sugawara. 

“Coach Ukai-senpai!” Both yelled out with their bodies glued stiff.

The coach huffed. “Five times round the gym. GO!” he ordered. Yet, both had started running before he had finished his sentence. 

Hinata had remained frozen to the spot however; his wide eyes staring with anticipation at what his punishment would be. Huh. Punishment. Pain. Maybe that would help cure this sickness within him. Hinata didn’t have time to ponder on that thought though. 

“Hinata.” Coach Ukai spoke again- this time ever so slightly less boisterously. 

“YES!” Hinata yelled back. Those few moments had once again allowed the small boy to build up his walls again and slam down the Iron Gate again: sealing himself from the world outside, and the prying claws that wished to claw away his madness. 

“Join kageyama- continue practising spiking.” He paused a second, raising an eyebrow. “To work everybody! Get your buts moving!”

Gulping, Hinata slowly joined the glaring Kageyama. Cold glaze piercing right through Hinata’s painted smile and tall lies. He knew. Those dark eyes easily read through Hinata’s broken ones. Kageyama Tobio, first year and Hinata’s closest friend knew. And the raven haired boy had said so too. That was another haunting memory that weighed in Hinata’s stomach. He could never forget the day when Kageyama had found the fresh slits lining his upper arms- cornering him in the locker room, yelling bloody murder at him until Sugawara and Daichi wrestled the burning demon outside. 

That was the day they found out. 

It was also the day Hinata showed everyone his weakness.

And it was also the last time anyone saw his weakness.

That event had occurred nearly a month ago now. Still, Kageyama looked at Hinata with anger; not because he saw him as weak. No. That would have been low of the boy, considering all the shit that he had also lived through too. No; it was of the fact that mere weeks before that day Hinata had promised that the labyrinth of scars lining his skin were nothing more than memories. He had promised Kageyama that he wouldn’t ever hurt himself again- and if he wanted to, he would call the raven haired boy first. Regardless.  
And that single day not only showed his ‘mouth full of lies’, but of how little he trusted his friend.

Well, that was what Kageyama believed. 

The two boys spoke not a word when Hinata reached his destination after a practical year long journey across the desert sands of the gym floor. Hinata still didn’t falter when he forced out that same old fake smile on to his face, and stood directly in front of the fuming Kageyama who continued to glare at the smaller boy as though death threats could cure disease. 

Ha. Death. Wouldn’t that be much easier than having to face living?

Ten seconds. Thirty seconds. An entire minute passed before Kageyama huffed- clearly beyond pissed- readjusting his grip on the red, green, and white volleyball in his hands, with knuckles that had begun to turn a bleak white through his tight, vice like grip due to sheer frustration; and with a turn of his body he gestured for them both to begin practising. 

Hinata inwardly sighed. Swallowing back his troubles to ensure that his focus wouldn’t waver anymore today. The last thing in existence that Hinata wanted was for Kageyama to see his weakness, again. 

To see how far that he had fallen from the boy he used to be.

Practise is going to be long today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, what do you peeps think? Good, bad, lol- give up? Seriously though- reviews are always a pleasure to read! ^-^ Chapter 2 will hopefully be up soon. (No spoilers, but be warned for major TWs) 
> 
> Stay safe, Dream Big  
> -a_starlit_sky xx


	3. Chapter 2: Anathema

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, school is apparently a thing… haha… better late than never right? But in all honesty though, I’m currently doing my A2 A-level exams & also trying to find apprenticeships for next year- so I’m incredibly busy right now. THIS IS NOT ABANDONED- but just slightly neglected (??) 
> 
> Song: Anathema, twenty one pilots

||HIDDEN||

Chapter 2: Anathema

‘Haven’t you taken enough from me? Won’t you torture someone else’s sleep?’

Run. Jump. Miss. Run. Jump. Hit. Repeat. 

It was a cycle engrained into the ginger haired boy’s head. Over and over. Every hit meant a success- a reason less to hate his very aching bones; and with every miss led to another mark ready to be added to a lengthy tally which was kept score with a razor blade on the canvas of his frighteningly pale skin. 

It felt pointless, in a sense, to the boy; the repetitiveness of failure that would was sure to be the outcome of every laboured attempt of yearning success. Hinata knew that. Yet, it was far better to keep drilling out shortfalls, than face the burning face of a once best friend. Fire cannot be stopped with fire; and the words itching to fall like rapids from Hinata’s tongue would prove no use in drowning the blaze before him. But rather, it was safer to remain under a fireproof blanket- hidden away sharp eyes of Kageyama as drilled out spike after spike. 

Time, for Hinata now, felt more lucid than structured. It slowed more often than most- clogging reactions like being in a waist high pool of syrup. But rather then sweetness, it left a sour taste- like copper blood from a bitten lip when the urge to scream for help became too much. For Hinata, time again now had become sluggish. Maybe it was just another form of punishment- having to spend more time under the analysing eyes of the person who had given him some of the best moments to date of his life. 

Though the small boy forced himself to focus, his dull eyes couldn’t help wonder continuously to the wall clock hanging to the left of him as his jumped- hoping that time would just speed up so he wouldn’t have to ‘play pretend’ anymore. 

Tick.  
Tock.  
Tick.  
Tock.

Finally. Hometime. Time to release the demons screaming under his skin. 

Only a few more minutes now before he feel something more than this nothingness that rotted his chest again. 

As practise ended, everyone gathered round Coach Ukai as usual, kneeling down to listen to the coaches last words of the day. Hinata looked on with the others, yet, the coach’s words didn’t quite reach his ears; a murky fog dulled his senses instead- blocking out the world around him. With words spoke, the team set to tidy up for day. 

Stand. Walk. Tidy. 

Just keep moving and don’t stop. 

Tick. Tock. Tick. 

Finally. All done. Home. 

The ginger haired boy practically spirted to the club room to grab his bag and school uniform that was previously dump there in hast. The recent tremors causing his thighs to become painted in bloody gashes were not something easily hidden. Dread clogged the boy’s throat in thought of the eyes that would look down on him if such nightmare-ish scenes were witnessed by his peers. 

Hinata flew into the changing rooms, lungs still burning slightly from practise and head beginning to spin from the lack of oxygen in his veins. His fingers, like hooked claws, reached outwards- pulling his belongings together. 

Click. Damn. It was too late; already the club members began entering one after the other with small smiles and half jokes framing their faces. Along with concerned eyes that Hinata couldn’t meet. Being next to door shouldn’t stop his exit though- it was only a matter of slipping out. Hinata pretended to be busy, half-heartedly reorganising papers in his bag, waiting for the right moment, that would perfectly, allow him- just- to- shit. Hinata’s ‘Mission Impossible’ really did earn its name. 

Instead of freedom, the small boy was met by 188cm, Towering Wall of Doom; or more commonly known person of Tsukishima Kei. Behind him stood the wide eyed Yamaguchi Tadashi; both were second years to the volley ball team. With tall boy’s reputation of lagging behind, Hinata knew he should have known better and waited for everyone to enter the volley ball’s club room. The ginger haired boy was forced to crane his neck upwards to meet the cold glare of the blonde haired boy before him. As their eyes met Hinata, was met with a look of annoyance- it was far too clear to see that Tsukishima, much like Kageyama, had no time for Hinata’s little ‘show’. 

“Tsk.”

Ha. Hinata did his best to not let that such a simply action break him. To not let his already shaking wall crumble to dust, ready to be washed away, as sand with the breaking waves of a churning ocean. Tsukishima simply brushed past the smaller boy, tugging along a stuttering Yamaguchi as the other attempted to form a sentence to Hinata. 

Tick. Tock. Seconds past. A burning heart lurched within a cavernous chest- thud after thud sounding like a clock- a countdown even- as though the little ticks were waiting for a final explosion. It felt like any second now his chest would let go and explode. Creating a blast, a bang, some final fire rather than fading into the total oblivion that surrounds him- crushing him, drowning him in the spot where he stood. 

Yet, the boy knew better than to show such madness. Instead, he tugged a smile on his lips, brushing away the words within him. The rest of volley ball, whose peer’s actions had paused them, were left to face the ginger haired boy. If awkwardness could be defined by any actions, this situation would have topped it. Silence ate greedily within the room; with eyes unsure where to rest and thoughts too restless to stir. 

Say something. “Haha…” Hinata croaked out, clearing his throat, “Gotta dash!” He aimed for a toothy grin, but just achieved a wince like smile. 

“Aren’t you going to change, Hinata?” The bold voice of the team captain Daichi spoke, freezing Hinata in mid-spin. If you had looked closely within that second, sheer panic would’ve been seen. ‘A deer caught in the headlights’- a picture perfect example of the terror that the boy lived with, bubbling like toxic chemicals underneath his melting flesh. 

“I need to get home quick tonight, so, I don’t have time to!!” Hinata allowed the lies to vomit from his mouth. However, he couldn’t make his eyes meet Daichi’s- his cracks were beginning to show. Shit, SHIT. He need to go now, before, before-

“Hinata—kun, could I have a word?” Sugawara had quietly moved to Hinata side, giving the younger boy a small smile of reassurance if though any moment now he would bolt, like an frightened deer- fleeing from it’s inevitable death. 

Idiot, Hinata’s mind burned at him. How could he of slipped up like that? Especially, twice today as well. “Sure Suga-senpai” the younger boy beamed, painting brashly over cracks as he did so. And with that, Hinata was ushered outside.

He knew what Sugawara was going to ask next; ever since that day-when his most hidden secretes were spilled- it was Sugawara who made sure to keep close eye on the younger boy. Hinata didn’t bother resisting as he turned over his forearms to face the silver-haired boy, pushing the mutilated flesh forward to allow a worried glaze to rest upon years’ worth of white scars; some more pink however, due to being newer and deeper and more like red sandstone canyons than human skin. With gentle hands, the elder boy took hold of Hinata’s arms, restless eyes scanning for any signs of recent trauma. 

“And you haven’t… haven’t harmed yourself anywhere else?” Sugawara asked softy, eyes down looking into the depths of Hinata’s. 

Hinata felt like crying. Sobbing, to be more precise. The guilt that ate at him hissed in resistance as more lies stumbled out of his mouth. “No. I haven’t.” 

Sugawara kept his eyes firm for a moment more. He knows, Hinata’s mind trembled- he- “Okay then.” Sugawara said, releasing Hinata’s arms allowing them to fall to the sides of the skinny boy. 

“Um, yes!” Hinata jumped back to his false reality. “I, um, really need to go! My mum’s expecting me!” Hinata picked up his bag that lay next to his feet, desperate to run away from having to spit out lies quicker than breathing. The younger boy began pacing away- a flatness to his stride echoing around his cracking mask. 

He had just reached the rain-washed wooden steps when Sugawara called again. “Hinata!”

The ginger haired boy turned again. “Yes Suga-senpai?”

“If you ever need to talk, I’m right here okay? We’re all are.” Sugawara’s voice shook slightly.

Tick.

“Yes.” A strained reply came. “um- bye, Suga-senpai!” the same voice called again. 

Too close. Far too close.

Hinata knew that could never let them see what was really going on inside his head; within his the darkness of his skull that had drained away his light. How could he? He just wished that would finally let everything just stop- to stop everyone poking away at the seams of his armour; to ‘say goodnight’, so he could finally ‘say goodbye’. With every inch of his aching skin Hinata wished for the burning slice of cold edge, beckoning him to make the final jump into the oblivion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Alright then. Boom. ^-^ Reviews are always loved! xx
> 
> ~ Stay Safe, Dream Big
> 
> -a_starlit_sky xx


	4. Chapter 3: Darkest Days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Enjoy xx  
> WARNING!: This chapter contains graphic self harm & suicide attempt.  
> Song: Darkest Days, Passenger

||HIDDEN||  
Chapter 3: Darkest Days  
‘See the darkest days my dear’ 

The ragged breathes of a young gingered haired boy could be heard- snarling through the solace of the countryside as though a flight animal was nearing the end of a fear filled adrenaline sprint. Hinata’s limbs trembled fiercely as wobbly legs pounded the pedals of the heavy metal bike- each stroke sapping more strength from aching muscles. 

Trees, with their trunks like the wrinkled legs of giants, fluttered past as the young boy sped home; paying no attention to the way how the last dying rays of an evening sun trickled through the canopy of branches above, shining through its fingertips to the dawn lit dust below. Nor did he care how the warm summer light, which fell softly over his exposed skin, seemed to beg him not to ride on into the shadows beyond that stretched in black masses across the road he rode on. Though the snarling jaws of darkness only told tales of torture, Hinata kept etching forward into its depths: running from the blinding truth of daylight into the cold secrets of the dark. 

As the ginger haired boy passed over the hills’ brow, the light that had flooded his incline now drowned out behind him, leaving him to ride on alone to a destination sure bent for another rollercoaster spin of madness. 

Hinata’s house rolled slowly into view; it was slightly set back into the towering woods behind which plastered this hillside. Free standing, yet still within arm’s reach of another dozen or so buildings. The house itself was nothing special, just plain brick and mortar with wooden beams that made up its framework. Hinata slowed to a standstill by his house’s front steps; jumping off only to stumble to his knees allowing the bike to clatter to the pebbly ground below. Grimacing, the small boy pulled himself on to the steps, peering down to access the damage that had become of his limbs.

Shame- no more than a few grazes that had graced his knees. However, the beams of fresh blood that had started to clot at the surface of the small wounds, painting his white skin a beautiful shade of red, only made Hinata’s head yearn for more. For more blood- more pain- anything more than the darkness which shrouded his head; turning so many of his days a shade of black. 

Fractured eyes gleamed darkly at the spots of red. The ginger haired boy’s head had finally stopped spinning as the rush of endorphins rushed through him, gushing through his veins. But this release only held him for a second or two; Hinata had already began plummeting: head screeching and heart fluttering painfully in the tight space in his chest. Lifting his arms, Hinata dug the palms of his hands into his eye sockets to try and stop the madness. 

Concentrate god damnit.

Though the sting from such actions wouldn’t last for long it would give him enough time before a proper release. 

BRINNGG!

Hinata’s phone sang out, exploding his side into a fit of vibrations. Clumsy hands struggled to reach into his bag beside him. The small device had since silenced, becoming no more than dying echoes that the trees around him swallowed, before the boy managed to clasp the phone and pull it free the mass of junk in the dirty bag. 

2 NEW MESSAGES

Scanning briefly through the messages he saw that one was from Kagayama. 

-  
To: HINATA  
From: KAGAYAMA  
We should talk. See you at 8.   
-

Wasn’t that ironic? After being near enough isolated by the other boy for weeks, NOW he wanted to talk. Well whatever, it really doesn’t matter anymore, Hinata mused over. The second message was from his mother who had texted she would be staying at his Grandmas’ tonight with his younger sister. Well, wasn’t that just perfect? Or maybe it was too perfect? Too perfect for now he would be able to finally let go a head full of darkness that left his blood poisoned; letting his demons spill out like gushing waterfalls after a heavy rainfall. 

Hinata could remember the first time he had decided to slice open the pale flesh on his small body mercilessly. After losing at the finals, with building stresses of school: his never ending failures had become too much. Missing spikes and barely scoring in exams- the failure of letting everyone down around him. It grew on the small boy like a cancerous lump in his throat, draining every note of rationality from a burning mind, and replacing them with screams; terrorising the boy’s sanity. The distant sunrise faded to an inky blue-black; leaving Hinata to further sink into the dark pits of his mind- to idolise just how much of a failure he felt. 

It had felt like fated luck when Hinata found his silver saviour. Hinata had been slicing vegetables up for dinner when the knife had nicked his finger. It had hurt- really hurt. Though only a little blood had swelled from the source, it had still had throbbed painfully. Hinata had dropped the blade clutching his finger tightly in place of the object, with wide eyes churning in wild waves of discomfort. Yet, what was this feeling? The boy didn’t have time to ponder on such thoughts before his worried mother had entered the kitchen upon hearing the clatter of the knife; she had gasped and rushed forward to tend the small cut. 

It wasn’t until later, after dinner and when Hinata had retreated to the solace of his room did the small boy begin to drift into thought. The ginger haired boy had sat crossed legged, clothed in a simple T-shirt and boxers, staring down at his bandaged finger while moonlight flooded the empty spaces around him. His finger barely hurt now, yet, this numbness that the small cut had given him felt… good. His mind was not screaming, nor his chest heaving. The pain that plagued his existence had been flushed away: taking all of his impurities, his fears and failures, with just a single small slice. 

And it was within that moment, although unaware at the time, Hinata had started along a icy path of addiction- becoming a slave to a mind numbing disease that would only curse his body with increasingly brutal slashes of hatred fuelled emotion. Another, after another, after another- deeper and deeper- more reckless than the one before in a pointless attempt to ease the monster in his head. Short sleeves became long, smiles became forced; lies became bigger, tall tales that loomed over him so he could hide in their shadowy claws so he could try and convince himself that everything was still okay.

That he was okay.

With each release from slicing rivers into his body becoming shorter, Hinata had dangerous at hiding his new secret. Slicing open your wrists in the school toilets probably wasn’t the wisest decision ever made by the small boy. Neither was the disassembly of a disposable razor for the first time. It was here when Kagayama had finally discovered his darkest secret.

Hinata had just let the silver tooth monster take another bite into him when Kagayama had jokingly kicked open the toilet stall door. “Hinata, how much longer are you going to take we’ve practic-“. The taller boy’s throat had frozen. Before him the smaller boy sat curled up on the floor, with wrists coloured a beautiful shade of crimson red. 

Tears had flowed freely down his patchy red cheeks, merging with coppery tang of blood that painted in smudges his arms, unable to meet the eyes of the onlooker. Kagayama had stood here unable to move- eyes wide with fear, yet feet glued in panic to the dirty white tiles below him. 

It felt like years before Kagayama could finally react, jumping forward to yank away the razor that Hinata still clutched in his right hand. He then gently grasped Hinata’s left arm- holding it as though it were a nuclear bomb ready to detonate. 

“W-why?” Kagayama had managed to stutter, throat cracking as he did. Hinata though did not answer, but rather sink further into himself, letting more sobs fall from his trembling lips. Kagayama had tended Hinata’s war wounds, cleaning and bandaging the cuts. 

A silence passed; Kagayama remained still while Hinata trembled quietly now. 

“This is wrong.”

“ … I know.”

“Then stop.”

“…Okay…”

“No,” kagayama stated more forcefully now, “promise me you will never do… never do this again.” He gestured to Hinata’s lap where his newly bandaged arm lay. 

“I promise.”

His promise hadn’t lasted long.

Bitter thoughts had gripped the small boy as he sat on the stairway to his home. Ha. Would he ever be free of them? 

Grasping the hand rail as though it were a life force, Hinata pulled himself to his feet crunching the stony rubble beneath as he did so. It was dark now with no sun lit hopes to sway him now. Steps began to blur- logical thoughts began to drown, as he entered his house the hallway before him span. The few yards to the downstairs bathroom was more like inches away rather than the meters.

Thud. Thud.

Bare feet stumbled across the wooden panelled floor.

So close. So near. Just how did he reach the bathroom again? 

The ceiling light flickered on, flooding its garish white eyes across the tiled room before him. An oval bathtub to the left and sink straight ahead. Click. Trembling fingers locked the door shut behind him; hiding away his sins that were about to start flowing. 

Hinata let his back slide down the near right wall- knees knocking with scrawny legs ended up at a splayed out angles. Hands reached to his right- sliding under the wicker basket full of towels where his darkest secrete lurked. Sweaty fingers grasped a cold shape. He pulled the object out. The silver edge murderer gleamed back at him; sharp tongue flickering, whispering words of sanity while Hinata watched the room’s light dance upon it’s fine peak; lulling his burning mind to a peaceful sleep. 

Pushing down his shorts, and pulling up the blade, the ginger haired boy traced pale skin with the razor. Watching it leave white lines as it skimmed across a battle worn canvas.   
Was this wrong? A moment of sanity splashed into thought; the calmness must have allowed such logic to breach the surface. Wrong… maybe. However, wasn’t every in this boy’s life just as wrong- just as mad and pointless and painful and full up to the brim of just fucking sadness? When was it ever fucking right?  
Tears brewed at Hinata’s eyes, while his lips pulled tight as though it would stop them from falling.  
How could something so ‘perfect’ be so wrong?

The blade bit into his thigh- hands shaking as the edge ripped flesh apart, leaving a gaping gully within its path of destruction. Blood soon spouted- the oozing gunk trickling over the scarred skin of his thighs as it spilled from the war wounds above. Again, and again he slashed the blade across his flesh; bringing the bloodied nosed murderer to another patch of exposed skin, letting it slice effortlessly, releasing the churning crimson river from below. It trickled slowly from the source, dripping steadily to the white-washed tiles beneath; forming an ocean of broken memories and dreams- desolate and unfixable. 

Hinata breathed allowing much needed oxygen to seep into his aching lungs. Finally he got his release- his burning desire was answered. And yet, the bloody mess of thighs, painted red from the countless gashes which lined his flesh before him, was nothing compared to the war within him.   
It just, wasn’t enough. 

Hinata looked down at his left arm- where the worse of his scars laced his pale skin. Those ugly and vile looking things would forever haunt him; taunting his soul to the very roots of his heart.

Forever. Isn’t that a funny word, considering ‘forever’ is different for everybody? 

Wouldn’t it just be so very easy to simply press down through this mangled mat of twisting scars, down to the pulsing blue bulging vein below-

The razors’ bite hurt this time. No longer did a sweet release follow, but instead a burning agony that raced in flaring pulses throughout his body. Hinata dropped the razor; blood splattered the floor around it as it landed- looking on at its newest victim with elated glee. For it had now claimed another life- prey tricked in with sweet lies of promise before being consumed with a final venomous strike. 

Blood gushed out from the slash that tore an ocean trench in his arm: seeping through cold fingers as he desperately tried to stop the crimson flow leaking in a constant steady pace, filling up the cracks and tile gaps around his broken and hunched body; draining a life from above. 

Hinata’s head blurred softly as his vision began to flicker. Was death really what he wanted? To die here, on the floor of his family’s home? To die a cold and lonely death, with no warm memories to send him off? 

But, no matter whether this fitful urge had been misjudged, it was pointless now- too little, too late. This was it. The small boy who now lay crumpled was fading faster than ever before; so swiftly that he did not hear the desperate pounding on the wooden bathroom door. 

Ha. Just look at this mess. So much blood, just like a cold ocean of crimson red. Maybe he should do something… anything… but, all that Hinata could do was laugh bitterly, letting salty tears grace cold cheeks.

“HINATA!”

This darkness was so beautifully quiet now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: ~unexpected cliff-hanger~ … So … hope you enjoyed (??) More coming soon! (plzdontkillme) ^-^
> 
> Stay Safe, Dream Big  
> -a_starlit_sky xx


	5. Chapter 4: Lay Me Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Enjoy.  
> WARNINGS: You may need a tissue (I did… haha…)   
> Song: Lay Me Down (30 lives), (or otherwise known as Starlight), Imagine Dragons

||HIDDEN||  
Chapter 4: Lay me Down   
‘Again, my friend, I know it’s been a while since I have looked you in the eyes. But I am foolish, and I am sorry, but sorry never made it feel alright… alright.’

Beep. Beep. Beep. 

“HINATA- god damn it, HINATA!”

Beep. Beep. Beep. 

… What… why was Kagayama- no, it couldn’t be. He was just at home… His mum and sister were…

Beep. Beep. Beep.

“Don’t you die on me.”

Die?

Oh. But why did everything feel so peacefully numb? Wasn’t dying supposed to be painful? His body didn’t hurt, in fact apart from a few flashes of light everything was beautifully dark. Was he really dying? And if he was, was that really such a bad thing- to drift softly into the sweet arms of death that called to him. 

Beep. Beep. Beep.

“Hinata… I… I’m... I’m sorry. Okay? I’m fucking sorry. I just… I just couldn’t watch you destroy yourself anymore, god damn it. I didn’t wanna watch you fade away in front of me so I just… I’m sorry. I’M SORRY. I’m sorry… Hinata please…”

Beep. Beep. Beep.

The small boy began to fall again, a moving world began to blur. Faces and places merely shifting into unknown blurs that smudged across his eyes, becoming grey blotches that had be gone to fade out. Exhaustion seeped into his bones, turning paper to lead in his dying wake. Sleep. If he could just rest these tired eyes…

Wasn’t it pointless to fight fate anyway? To claw with broken nails at the red strings of fate, as they hauled him along his unknown pebbled path? With broken strands cutting gashes into his flesh as turned and twisted, fighting restlessly against a destination which felt unfit. Hinata had been fighting for too many years now: battling his nightmares in a never-ending race. He would’ve been lying if he said he had stood tall to face them; for every time the boy fought back he only ever ended up on his scarred knees- stuck fast in oozing mud that yearned desperately to pull him further under its toxic surface. 

So he ran. Faster and faster trying anything to break away from the lurching monsters than clawed at his heals; that tried to burden his body with a mountain of troubles that would surely cause him to sink. But trying to sprint a marathon never works, especially you lose everything hopeful that once kept you going. 

Hinata knew that it was only small the things that had become lost. Seemingly pointless things that had caused a not even funny about of pain within his numb chest. Each time causing another little light to flicker out and leave standing alone in the dark. And yet when gathered together- like when a million tiny lights cluster to become a galaxy larger then entire night sky above; it’s only when a step back is taken, each small crack becomes a fracture that’s splintered a body- shattering it into a thousands and thousands of infinite pieces that no hands could ever fix. 

It’s only at a distance, when a moment is taken to appreciate the madness, that the full force of nature is witnessed. 

But just how much glue and sticky tape had this small boy used just to hold himself together? 

Just how long had he been fighting?

With every sad moment bubbling away within Hinata’s head, screaming in silent whispers in his ears, tormenting his soul as his demons whipped around, him revealing everyone one of his fears- Hinata knew that enough was enough. This loosing war he was fighting needed to end. If not for his own fading last strands of sanity, but for every single one around him who dared stayed with the crumbling mess of a boy. 

As this boy lay unmoving on hospital bed, white lights bleaching his frame, white sheets thrown somewhere, and hands desperately trying to clutch on to his fading life- Hinata knew that he had finally reached the edge of his cliff. For no more lies or laughs could hid the reality he was barely hanging onto his life. 

Hinata’s small chest was numb. 

Hands were still.

Mind quiet.

The ginger haired boy now just existed. With no worries or regrets. Life’s terrors had slipped softly from his churning thoughts leaving him to float endlessly within a moment of peace. Hinata wouldn’t have minded to stay here, quiet and peaceful; relaxed and, free. 

To wake, to have to face living again would only end in more pain. But to simply stay here- to drift softy on cloud 9 where he lay- he would be able to leave all his troubles behind.  
Just what would he prove by waking from this slumber? 

That could face his demons- keep fighting in this loosing war, after lost so many endless battles and winning so few, that now his struggling attempts barely kept his head above water. 

Yet, what was he proving by simply fading away?

What about his family? His friends? And of every moment, even for the shortest of seconds, so full of life that not even the darkest nights could blind him. Covering his lost eyes in hazy grey fog. What of crispest morning mists, or of the last glows of orange setting sun- what of love and hope and every wonder it brought? What of life itself; was that not worth fighting for? Because out of every possibility, and against all odds, this small boy was born. And though an entire universe of wonder made his mere a life a miracle in itself, did this small boy really want to leave an ocean of tomorrows and endless possibilities behind? To hand over his life to the hands of death himself, and walk in solitude to his dark end. 

No. They were better off without him; without a useless piece of shit like him. He didn’t deserve to be here, he was nothing more than a never ending line of failures- far too fucked up to be worthy of living. 

No. He was better of just dying here. Alone on this white hospital within his final moments: surrounded by a sea of unknown faces, peering down upon him as though to pry into his inevitable fate. 

But, if Hinata believed this truly to be, why was it his throat felt so tight as though a python had clamped round his neck, becoming ever increasingly smaller with each fleeting breath; and why did his chest feel as though the oxygen that was slowly leaving his lungs for good, burn as though the ginger hair boy had breathed in airborne poison? And why were lights that he thought had gone out for good now flickering in the distance behind smoky fog clouds of toxic air, whispering in silent tongues the way home?

If death was so absolute, then how come this body had grabbed hold of a broken decayed rope, hanging above his head- with hands bleeding with burns, and knuckles white with pain; and these skinny arms which had become his new lifeline were crying out in shouts of agony, begging an exhausted mind to please hold on- so why was it, that against everything, he still wanted to live?

To live. To have life flow through a broken body once more, holding tired limbs with puppet strings until maybe someday he would be able to hold himself on his own. 

Hinata’s fingers began to tingle, and nerves began flare up his left arm. Sharp pains spasm through his small body, shaking his mind from the faux peace that he currently resided in. His legs throbbed, and ribs ached- expanding at last as oxygen flooded his lungs in a much needed embrace. Warmth spread throughout him, veins sparking to life as nerves jumpstarted once again; nuclear fissions open fired throughout him, sending a near dead heart upon a new destination of rapidly growing beats. 

And then, his eyes fluttered open. White light breaking through the fog at last, filling Hinata’s wide eyes with a second chance of life. 

Noise. Small blurs began to reach his ears once again. Fuzzy flickers of words slowly surfacing from a murky bog beneath, scratching away the glass walls that caged him.

“HINATA!” A clear cry sounded from above the small boy’s frame, where a distressed face of his friend stood. 

“Kag… Kageyama…” The boy’s shaky voice replied. 

“Oh god, Hin-Hinata…” The raven hair boy barely managed, tears unable to be held at bay as they streamed down his fear filled face as though he stood in a downpour of cold rain. In a tempest of emotions that raced around him, like a thunderstorm in full force crashing down upon him. 

“Kageyama I’m… I’m sorry…”. 

Strong hands gripped the smaller boy’s arm. Wrenching him free at last from the mask he had worn so well.

“It’s okay… Hinata, it’s okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This has to be one of the more challenging chapters I’ve wrote to date. For me, it’s been a long time coming- I needed this chapter. I’ve been struggling with myself for years, and by writing this it feels like I’ve finally accepted that and now, maybe, I can start over. Rewrite my story.   
> Anyways… I hope I’ve been able to capture this idea of ‘starting the road of recovery’ and acceptance, and just how hard recovery can be. I hope it’s okay.   
> I have two final chapters planned, but the last is more of an epilogue, which I would love if you could stick around and read. ^-^
> 
> But as always, thanks for reading! Reviews are always loved xx
> 
> Stay safe, Dream Big xx  
> -a_starlight_sky


	6. Chapter 5: Adults

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Enjoy xx  
> Song: Adults (or Grown ups), Otona tachi, Haikyuu Soundtrack track 2.03   
> (Or, as I prefer, ‘The song that made me cry but I can’t find it- GOD DaMN IT’ otherwise known as ‘I FiNALlY found it!!! And now I’m crying… god damn it…’) … I spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to find this song on youtube…   
> Quote: From the manga Cut by Kawai Touko

||HIDDEN||  
Chapter 5: Adults  
‘One day, your dreams will be blue and endless…’

One of the hardest things in life is accepting that some problems don’t have a magic fix-it button, which when clicked can simply wash away any amount of worries and fears, letting them swirl rapidly away as little whirlpools down a kitchen sink drain. Life doesn’t come with a replay button allowing a lifetime of mistakes to be forgotten with a single flick of a hand. 

But rather we are left to face the heat; standing at the foot of burning tower of blood-orange red, hissing and spitting words of hate when we try to douse it’s ever-growing flames. 

Right now, Hinata Shoyo, first year volleyball member, stood before these cruel, untameable flames; with a hole-ridden bucket half full of water in his hands. It was a mere inches in front of him did the tall doors to the volley ball gym stand, leaning over him- peering down with greedy eyes and snarling teeth, as to stab right through his clothed chest and pierce a fluttering heart, burdened with fear.

The ginger hair boy let his finger nails dig ever so slightly into his palms as he let his shaking hands form fists, with clenched shoulders and wide eyes staring restlessly on at the sight before him. Every bone in that boys trembling wreck of shell yearned swiftly to turn on its heels and flee; prey blindingly escaping danger, after hiding its frail body had failed. Each pulsing muscle screamed at the small boy for him to fall quietly back into the darkness, back to where each and every problem could be painted over, even if were for a short while. Because that ‘would’ be better. No need to make it a huge problem- just put it back under the covers to deal with a growing mountain of cracks another day. 

Hinata would had surely fled if not for his hand being latched to a grounded rock, sealed tightly to a unbreakable lock; holding him in place with his two feet placed firmly on solid ground, unlike the shifting fog he had grown far too used too. Fingers clamped tightly to the handle of the wooden gym doors. Itching in their wake for movement, begging for any decision to grace the nerves that raced throughout him with currently were sending blinding red warnings signs about the danger at foot. His throat felt tight, what words could be ever said to fill the ears of those he had once mislead? Was there even a word other than I’m sorry?

But this small boy knew sorry wasn’t good enough. But he also knew the only way the two small words of ‘I’m sorry’ could only be understood when meant. 

It’s time to let the flood gates loose and watch as the dam bursts letting every hidden secret free. Time to stop pretending that he could hid behind a wall when it had already crumbled leaving only dust at his feet, glowing in the embers of a sun that now looked down on him- huge eyes telling him that he needs to rise. To rise from these dust clouds into tomorrow, and stop holding on to the memories and burdens which only gave him scars as gifts. 

Hinata’s eyes closed. The ocean inside of him was fitful- black waves churning in looming circles around his feet. He swallowed, trying to hold back the water that threatened to spill and block out the world around him. His faced scrunched in odd angles of pain as a heart fluttered fearfully; legs wobbled, lungs gulped and choked and sent rushes of dizziness spinning throughout his small frame. The flames in front of him grew, burning his hand- blistered form at his fingertips, growing in size- rapidly spreading-

No. Breathe. Just breathe. 

You can do this. You can do this. 

The lock on the gym door slowly clicked open, with a effort filled pushed the door gently slide inwards, revealing the volleyball court inside. Ahead of him his team mates, his friends, could be seen practising- faces stuck in concentration with eyes lost in focus within the match they were currently having. Shoes squeaked and thud of ball drew in the gaze of the Hinata; eyes were left to wander over the scenes which he once loved so dearly. 

Just how did he become that lost that not enough a million tiny lights could guide him back home? How did he lose his way? 

Maybe these monsters had been right. Maybe they didn’t need him. Just look- do they really need him? Just-

“Hinata?” A voice spoke softly, pulling him back from the edge. The small boy looked to his left where the eyes of Kageyama looked gently on at him. “Are you sure you want to do this?” Concern could be heard filling the gaps of throat, leaking out in airwaves that held Hinata in loop hole. 

A moment passed. And then another. 

The smaller boy looked back at his team mates, there cheers filling his heart. 

“Yeah.” He replied slowly. “I’m ready.”

“Okay.”

 

Shorts steps echoed through the gym, capturing the eyes of the people inside; movements slowed and stopped, and eyes widened. If Hinata could have wished for any moment to last a little longer it would have been this one. But time has never been predictable about how fast it moves, just like now where it spluttered and splurged forward leaving the small boy to stand before the faces of friends he once knew well. 

Look up. And he did, only to meet the eyes of the onlookers which he had avoided for so long. There’s no going back now. 

“I-I-I…” Fear clogged his throat, sending the room spinning and twirling and racing and just everything felt bad and heavy. But a hand took his shaking one, with eyes behind it sending encouragement in their gaze. 

It’s okay.

“I… I need to tell you all something.” His voice echoed quietly. “It’s just… I… I haven’t been very honest lately about thin-gs… I just wanted to say that I’m… that I’m…” Before the small boy could finish he felt himself become embraced by his senpai Sugawara. Tears threatened their decent. “I’m…”

“It’s okay Hinata-kun. You’re here now and that’s all that matters.” 

It didn’t take many moments later before other team mates saw their fears finally being washed away. A hug, a word, an ‘It’s okay Hinata-kun’ sent the tears finally falling. A release far greater than any razor blade could ever bring. Though scars lined this small boy’s wrists, as bright as neon sign posts which screamed about murder, the smiles and faces of the people around him were far brighter. 

“So.” The voice of Tsukishima Kei sounded out, snapping the ginger haired boy’s eyes upward towards the face of boy who couldn’t quite look him in the eyes. “You ready to play some volley ball?” He spoke finally meeting the smaller boy’s gaze.

A tear stained smile erupted from Hinata’s face. “Yeah, I would love to.”

And in that moment, he meant it.


	7. Epilogue

||HIDDEN||

A warm light streamed through the dusty windows of the Kursuno volleyball gym. Its golden light blanketed every inch in sight, casting long shadows where its yellow fingers couldn’t reach. Though the gym sat in solitude, with no soul in sight and silence gracing its aging floors, the distance memories of laughs and systematic squeaking of shoes echoed within it. 

At a pass-byers glance, it could have been seen as sorrowful. For these walls that once held countless motion now were empty- bare and without any signs of even the smallest of life forms. Such a place seem strange without the constant steady white noise of sound that in moments such as now should be filling the room, with chants and conversation becoming faintly muffled as it flooded out of the open wooden gym doors, as softly as autumn sunlight washing over fields of wildflowers.   
And with such assumptions made, it would have been wrong to think so.

For not at an incredible distance away, and yet far enough so eye could not see, the 12 members of Karasuno’s volleyball team were celebrating a victory. A success far greater than winning a near legendary match. For each smile, laugh, scream, and victory chant cried out within that moment was far greater than what it appeared.   
They had made it. Together. After having to hold an ocean of hardships on their shoulders.

No longer did the boy, with the brightest smile on that court stand, hidden behind a battle-hardened mask, holding onto fairy tales and firesides wishing for the sweet oblivion to claim his life. 

But rather, he just smiled.

Eyes wide, and heart wider. Because his painted war mask was no more.

For within this moment, he was alive. And that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: … so… haha… been a while… I’m sorry guys. A lot of stuff happened. I mean a lot. And none of it good. I don’t where I am at the moment, but it ain’t good. It’s hard. It’s really hard. I hope that one day I will finally never have to wake up to face my monsters each day. But until I’m gonna keep fighting because I’ve been given an amazing opportunity, and I won’t waste it for the world.
> 
> Thank-you everyone who has stuck with me and read this. I mean it. Every follow, like, comment has meant the world to me. I’m sad to say this, but I think this will be my final fanfiction. As much as l love writing, I think I’ve found the path which I’m supposed to be on, and, I’m going for it. 
> 
> So thank-you. This journey has been a good one. 
> 
> Stay Safe, Dream Big,  
> -a_starlit_sky xx


End file.
